A few months ago, we were surprised with a positive pregnancy test. WHAT?! Yes, I was pregnant! The emotions were all over the place. I couldn't believe the two little lines that popped up on that little stick. I have seen those two lines five times in my life. Five times. Five times I cried and thought of clever ways to tell Brandon he was going to be a Daddy. Five times I thanked God for the little baby He was growing inside of me. Five times I have thought of my belly growing, the baby that would soon join us and if it was a boy or a girl. Five times.
We didn't want to announce our surprise pregnancy until I was past the first trimester. I was so sick the first few weeks, I didn't think I would make it without someone noticing. At 11 weeks pregnant, just a week from our big announcement, we found out we have one more angel. That makes four. Four Little Angels.
With every miscarriage I have grown. Our first angel was our very first pregnancy. We were so excited and told everyone we knew. Weeks later, we grieved. I was so hurt. I didn't understand why it happened. Our second angel was right after we began the adoption process. We were a bit surprised by the pregnancy, but were so excited. Again, we told everyone. We saw the heartbeat on an ultrasound and felt secure that the pregnancy would last. After another routine ultrasound, we found out that we now had two little angels.
That second miscarriage shook me. It made me realize who my friends were. Friends who I thought were my core and my support system, weren't there. They showed more sympathy to their friends who had wisdom teeth pulled. It was very difficult for me, but it made me realize that I needed to rely on my God and my husband for support and comfort.
That second angel did a lot for me. I became a little more, okay a lot more guarded with my time. I didn't give that time or effort to people, things or events that didn't lift me up. I am sure I made a lot of people mad, but I needed to clean out the closet. I needed to clean out the people I called friends, and I wasn't sure why. I quit worrying about what people thought, not in an "I'm going Gothic" way, but in a Godly way. I was caught up in the business of hosting everyone's baby shower, surprise birthday parties, house warming parties, bible studies, small groups and play groups. I had to be in the middle of everything because I didn't want to let anyone down. I wasn't worried about pleasing God, I was worried about pleasing people. In a way, I am glad that that miscarriage helped me to see that I cannot rely on others to fill my needs. They will fail you every time. I was looking for people (my family, church family and friends) to comfort me, when it was God that I needed to seek out.
Angel number three was an angel before we knew it. I will never forget it, it was on my 3oth birthday. We kept it to ourselves, and continued in our adoption process.
Angel number four. You bring tears to my eyes. We didn't know you were coming, and quite honestly we were shocked to find out. We didn't share your news, to protect the hearts of the ones we love. Your heartbeat brought us hope, so tiny...yet it still fluttered. The sickness I felt made me confident that you would be joining our family. Still the fear of loosing you kept me from getting too excited. After about two months, I let my heart accept you. I started to wonder if you were a boy or a girl. What would your name be? Would we use another M name? Would I really have three kids? I started going through Marley's baby clothes, putting things aside. I started looking at double strollers and finding your spot in the minivan. I was planning our future, as a family of five. We thought of creative ways to announce our news. We had just made our parent's get webcams so we could see their faces when we told them they would have another grandchild.
It's only been two weeks, but already I feel like I have grown through this. I appreciate my children even more. Every parent loves their children. I have always been pretty crazy about mine, but after this...they are so so much more precious. They are both truly gifts! I also have accepted that we will not have anymore biological children. I truly feel comfortable saying that, almost like a relief. It's not something I am sad about, quite opposite. I am happy to say that childbearing, for us, is a thing of the past.
These past few weeks have also made me want to live life more, to quit making excuses. I am going on a mission trip to Uganda in June. We are taking our family to Mardi Gras!
There are a few explanations as to why I keep making angels, but really when it comes down to it...to me, it doesn't matter. It's done. I have always cherished my sweet boy, but now more than ever. Miles was the only one out of five that I get to hold! What a gift! Marley, well I don't even need to explain what a blessing and gift she is. One miracle born of the body, one miracle born in my heart, and four sweet angels. My heart is full!